Hi, fans...

I've started sharing this a little - hi out there, you know who you are! A couple of people are perplexed by the evangelical writing, particularly people who aren't Christian. So --deep breath-- here's my way of explanation, although I know you didn't truly ask for one.

When Marie's husband Rob died, I was devestated by the very sudden loss of life. I became intensely sad, and at his funeral, stepped forward to receive a blessing with 6 other people. Although I've given thought to religion since I was in 4th grade when I wanted to go to the Methodist Church next to Mrs. Waggoner's house, but couldn't; and later, trying to wiggle my way through Easter service with my dad at St. Patrick's Catholic Church. As a dyed in the wool, 14th generation Quaker, this all was very new, very bizarre, and even unnecessary.

I went to Bible studies (called Alpha) with Marie and the other 6, at Marie's home, as she grieved Rob's loss and turned it forever into leavening for the bread.... I took a course at United Seminary - I realized that I do believe in God. I'm not sure, precisely, what God is, but they say that faith is based on doubt more than it is based on certainty. I believe this also.

The next point of entry for me was to find a church. I found House of Hope on the internet, if you can believe it. Why Presbyterian? Why even Christian? Because I had been touched..... I'm clearly not Jewish, Buddhism is more patient than I.... I grew up in a Christian world, and it was through Christians that I had been affected and led to seek more meaning. This was important to me.

When I say I hope Jim finds salvation - this is what I mean: salvation means recognizing that we are not in control, and offering our hearts. It means letting go, finding truth, shunning hatred, and putting one's priorities to the wind to accept the needs of humanity. To some people, this sounds like Hell on Earth. It is actually the way to enter through the door and cease with destructive (evil) tendencies. And as corny as it sounds to some people, the door was held open for me, and when I stepped through, something happened.

"Teach me, and I will be silent; make me understand how I have gone wrong."

In the shifting of my faith from my own deeds to the hands of God, the priorities of life have become crystal clear. Christian faith says that it is not by deeds or action that I will be redeemed. I believe this. Even the most fruitful person can live with hatred in their heart, and come to nothing. Suffice it to say, I skipped Leviticus, really, except chapter 19. It says a variety of things, but 19:11 - 19:37 are loaded with ideas that reinforce the values of humanity. For example.

I understand that the books of the Old and New Testament were written by human hands and hearts. I even believe that there are allegories and parallels between them—such as between Moses and David, and David and Jesus—that were remembered and written to serve a purpose. But that doesn't make the ideas false.

Jesus was a radical. When he healed and ate on the sabbath, he was making a point. His parable of the great dinner was about humility. The prodigal son is about grace: not waiting or demanding acceptance and repentance, and not only rewarding one way of lving, but of giving love in any event. The Book of Luke is filled with stories that tell of new ways of thinking—indeed many that go against human nature. In fact, we are to forgive anything. Everything. Over and over again. And that is grace.

I believe this, and my belief has changed how I live. Although there are often political implications of the most vocal Christians, I think the quiet ones may have a truer path. This is true for the left and for the right.

I told Andy at work today — he was inquiring about the risks we have with regard to Mark Ritchie's board position with CCP — and I truly believed (and said) that we are doing nothing wrong, we are not breaking the law, we are not acting unethically. Therefore, bring it on. I told him something Maya Angelou said, "The arc of the horizon is long, but it bends toward justice." You know? You've got to believe. And if you don't, I guess you should pick up that good Book, and follow me.

The New Year

The new year begins with mixed blessings.... Nanci & Steve's new year's eve party was truly magical. They had a roaring fire in their wood stove and candles everywhere. Children were rosy and wet, food was wonderful, and outdoors was a large roaring bonfire on the patio. Beyond the fire, in the snowy yard, the trampoline was surrounded with sparkling, twinkling lights. The children wore bread bags on their feet, to jump in the snow.

Jim declined to go along - it's his way of punishing me, I think...to deny me of his attention and cooperation. I resent it, but I'm trying to respond in love.

Emma and I walked with seven 5/6th grade girls and two dads to the Lyndale Farmstead park by Lake Harriet, where the snow had been packed into a sledders paradise. The weather was perfect - cold enough for good snow, warm enough for comfort. Little Ava got cold, but we were find. Emma and I went down the hill seven or eight times, avoiding the moguls as best we could. It was exhilerating for her, and a good challenge, as she started the sledding with tears of fear. We had a great time, short of falling off the sled once and spraying our faces with hard, cold snow!

The way home was long for her - we came back to Steve & Nanci's at 11:30, with just enough time to warm up, collect our thoughts to see the old year out. I handed out Joss Paper that Emma & I bought at United Noodle. Several people took the opportunity to let their old year's resentments go, by burning the paper in the fire. The girls got a kick out of it, especially when one of their papers refused to fall apart, leaving a ghostly ash sheet in the center of the fire.

Steve poured cider and champagne, and we counted down from 60. We pulled our crackers and watched roman candles being shot from other parties around the neighborhood. The noisemakers were noisy, the hugs and kisses were genuine, and we all shared wonderful warm feelings.

It was fun to talk to parents of other teens, and I realize that I am on the right track. Although Jim doesn't agree with me in my approach to raising Axel, I feel that since he prioritizes Emma, and I cannot, that I need to prevail in supporting Axel with love. Withholding love and affection will only separate him from us more, and lead to no connection to value for living up to the standards we impose. Axel and I had a nice talk the other night when we went to HARRY POTTER & THE GOBLET OF FIRE. It was fun, and I think I need to spend more time with him.

I hope Jim can try to trust the process. (1/15: I've realized he probably feels the same thing about me.) I prayed this morning to understand what I'm supposed to do, if anything. In the meanwhile, until it becomes clearer to me, I will focus my energy on my children, and the house, and to work in love.

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." —Henri Nouwen