The Close of a Year

I'm on my laptop, sitting on the floor in my bathroom, while Emma washes off the year's dirt. I always feel the sense that we need to remove the residue of the year - I will also take a long bath today, and, if other years are any indication, I'll clean the house.

My life is changing - I had a realization a few months ago that if I died, I'd be okay. The fear is gone, and now that my children are getting older, I understand that they will go on, with or without me. It was a calming, strange feeling to be at peace with death. I still feel this way.

My prayers revolve around my hope that God will change me and my understanding of the world to do His will. I pray that solutions to the trials between my huband and me will be revealed to me, or to him. I pray for his salvation. Interestingly, I realize now also, that I am not dependent on Jim. This changes how we interact, and I think sometimes my independence annoys him. I try only to engage in the aspects of our relationship that will reinforce God's purpose for us - I try to stay positive.

If I have a New Year's resolution it is to read Scripture every day, to understand especially the wisdom books, and to understand how my life can be of use. My other New Year's resolution is to complete as much school work as I can at the University of Minnesota, for my Bachelor of Arts degree. Although I took some classes at United Seminary, I learned that I can't matriculate into a Master's degree for teaching or ministry without a BA (although they do offer a Master's Degree that is a professional degree only). I feel more and more that my life has a purpose here...perhaps not in a church, but somewhere, somehow. My skills are definitely in need.

I wish all who may read this health, bounty, and peace in 2006. I pray that it is more than the close of the year, but may also be an opening to a better world.

goosebumps

tonight's advent vespers at central lutheran church (a giant church in downtown minneapolis) answered my prayers of the day. the reading for the recessional, over the fourth, hummed, verse of silent night, in the dark, with all the choristers all around us holding read candles. the lights were out. the girls were finally attentive and interested - a good end to a fairly long performance:

this is henri nouwen.
"what makes the temptation of power so seemingly irresistihble? Maybe it is that power offers an easy substitute for the hard task of love. It seems easier to be God than to love God, easier to control people than to love people, easier to own life than to love life... The long painful history of the church is the history of people ever and again tempted to choose power over love, control over the cross, being a leader over being led. Those who resisted this temptation to the end, and thereby give us hope, are the true saints."

and jean vanier.
Only communities of love can confront the hatred, division, and suffering of this world. How beautiful it is, how good to live as brothers and sisters in unity in a world where there is hatred, in order to become doctors of love and peace (in the name of Jesus).

The Guide to Getting There

So today was about it. I question how doing this work will actually change the patrician power-hungry system that is currently our political landscape. Where are the self-less leaders?

Today I dove headfirst into frustration of appropriation and the various backpedalling rationalizations that accompany realization. George was clearly aware (and righteously indignant) but I think we have learned to do it the way that wins, which is the way that denies power to those who hold the natural right to have it.

It is "illusory social justice". It is where people with privilege — that is the powerful, the monied elite, the men, and those with long histories—are given preference, despite the relevance of their positions, the composition of their leadership, and despite the fact that prevailing wisdom/methods haven't exactly shown the world "the way" yet. Not only does the illusion condone the worst kind of appropriation (e.g., when I say I'm representing you, and I'm not) it also prevents REAL social justice from being achieved. As they say, first you have to acknowledge you have a problem.

Where is the 12 step program for giving up power? How will human nature ever been retrained to think of others before self? How can those WITH privilege and power in fact be instructed on how to accurately, correctly, systematically, find the courage and self disciplibe to call forward the right people? How can we each learn to trust one another and our motivations and allow for a true truth-saying about what we need and how we get there?

Despite the truth that many of us have very valuable skills, experiences, and perspectives to offer, the truth is that everyone feels fear in the face of the unknown. In order to succeed in constructing a way of life that makes sense of hope —especially as Eleazar Fernandez has done in Reimagining the Human", in a Christian context, but truly in ANY faith context that perceives our struggle over evil as achievable—in the daily struggle against the idols of our time: money, power, technology, whiteness, malesness, over "triumph" over nature.

As a world society we need to heal the chasms that stretch between our differences. We need to find those pieces of essential basic humanity that create our human race, and from that point of unity, move forward against evil. For that is what it is, the basic oppression of the poor, the powerless, and the weak. This struggle requires power, but not power OVER. We need to be the power UNDER, lifting our world.

You will not be able to stay home brother. You will not be able to turn on, tune in, and drop out. Because the revolution will not be televised, and it will not be brought to you without commercial interruptions. It will not star Natalie Woods and Steve McQueen. The revolution will not give your mouth sex appeal. The revolution will not get rid of the nubs. There will be no pictures of you and Willie Mays. NBC will not be able to predict the winner at 9:32. There will no slow motion or still lifes of Roy Wilkins strolling through Watts in a green vest he saved for just that occassion. There will be no highlights on the 11 o'clock news. The lyrics will not be sung by Rare Earth, Johnny Cash, or Englebert Humperdink. The revolution will not be televised. The revolution will not go better with Coke. The revolution will be reruns, brothers. The revolution will be live.