The Close of a Year

I'm on my laptop, sitting on the floor in my bathroom, while Emma washes off the year's dirt. I always feel the sense that we need to remove the residue of the year - I will also take a long bath today, and, if other years are any indication, I'll clean the house.

My life is changing - I had a realization a few months ago that if I died, I'd be okay. The fear is gone, and now that my children are getting older, I understand that they will go on, with or without me. It was a calming, strange feeling to be at peace with death. I still feel this way.

My prayers revolve around my hope that God will change me and my understanding of the world to do His will. I pray that solutions to the trials between my huband and me will be revealed to me, or to him. I pray for his salvation. Interestingly, I realize now also, that I am not dependent on Jim. This changes how we interact, and I think sometimes my independence annoys him. I try only to engage in the aspects of our relationship that will reinforce God's purpose for us - I try to stay positive.

If I have a New Year's resolution it is to read Scripture every day, to understand especially the wisdom books, and to understand how my life can be of use. My other New Year's resolution is to complete as much school work as I can at the University of Minnesota, for my Bachelor of Arts degree. Although I took some classes at United Seminary, I learned that I can't matriculate into a Master's degree for teaching or ministry without a BA (although they do offer a Master's Degree that is a professional degree only). I feel more and more that my life has a purpose here...perhaps not in a church, but somewhere, somehow. My skills are definitely in need.

I wish all who may read this health, bounty, and peace in 2006. I pray that it is more than the close of the year, but may also be an opening to a better world.